August Rush and New Compassion

Last night, instead of going to bed, I decided to stay up and watch "August Rush" with Eric. It is such a great movie full of beautiful music. It even has a happy ending. But, it is bittersweet for me. It was the movie that I went out and rushed to buy right after Kiley died simply because I remembered her saying she loved it.


There is a part in the movie where the pastor tells the little girl, Hope, something to this effect, "If God loves his children, then he always does what is best for them." Somewhere inside, I can say that if God allowed Kiley to go home that day, then it was the best thing for her. I am in no way condoning suicide, but if he is Lord of her life, then it just is what it is. The struggle is with the rest of us left behind. If that was good for her to see her Father that day, then why on earth does it seem so bad for the rest of us?

I worked myself into a tizzy (is tizzy a word?) and sobbed until after midnight. I think I am doing better and then the paralyzing grief attacks again and leaves me as if I haven't dealt with anything at all. How can this be? God and I have made such progress. I don't want to have these attacks where I feel like I am back at square one as if 19 1/2 months haven't passed by.

Crawling up in my Daddy's lap has always given me comfort. I still plop myself down when I go to see him. Last time, we ummmmm, knocked the recliner over backwards and had ourselves a nice little laugh about that. I am sure that it was because he was trying to count my ribs; he is a brute when it comes to tickling.

So, last night, as I was once again trying to breathe, I imagined that Kiley and I were cuddled up in our Heavenly Father's lap. We were together. We were in the safest place imaginable. And I felt peace. I was able to fall asleep. And breathe.

I woke up with the verse in my head, "His compassions never fail, they are new every morning." His compassions are new for me every time I wake up with tear stained pillows and puffy eyes. His understanding never grows weary. He doesn't tire of my endless questions and salty tears. His compassions are new every morning.

Sometimes I just beg Him to save me! I don't mean in the redemption sense, just the everyday life sense. Josh Wilson has a song out called, "Savior, Please." Here are some of the lines that resonate with me:

Help me stand...I fade so fast.
Be the God of all I am because you're all I have.
I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me.
Savior, Please. Keep saving me.

Please don't give up on me, God. If, when I am 77 years old and I have been missing Kiley for 47 years and break down into a tizzy, promise me you will keep saving me.