Thursday, June 20, 2013

Choosing Grace

Days are not quite what they used to be around here.  So many things are left undone.  The melancholy/borderline OCD side of me wants an orderly schedule and perfection.  Thankfully, the easy going/phlegmatic side of me tells me to take it easy during this new season.

Throwing a newborn and a moving experience into the past 7 weeks has been a little chaotic.  Even though things have gone about as smoothly as possible, things are still not quite normal.  Or is this phase the new normal?

As each different thing rears its head, I have a choice.  I can choose grace or choose condemnation.

My sweet times with Jesus via the Word are just nonexistent right now.  I am finally mature enough to see that He doesn't get mad at me when I have a season that I can't devote as much time.  Our relationship isn't defined by what I can offer.  I am His child, that is always enough.  Satan still tries to whisper that I am failing miserably in this area.  I can choose grace and rebuke the condemnation.  I can choose worship in different ways.  I can pray during middle of the night feedings.  I can hum sweet tunes as I get ready.  The spiritual walk looks differently right now, but that doesn't mean it is bad.

One of my biggest struggles in allowing myself grace in this season comes with four children.  I want so desperately to be at all of the kid's events.  Right now, that means baseball.  With the heat and Asher's feeding schedule, it means that I don't make it to a lot of games.  The enemy shouts that I am not a good mom because I can't be at everything offering my love and cheers.  Jesus wants me to know that I am offering the best to sweet Asher and that doesn't negate my love for the others.  I can choose grace instead of the lies.

Anytime you have a baby, your body doesn't quite look like what it used to!  In fact, you look in the mirror and try not to sob as you don't quite recognize yourself anymore.  The sacrifice is more than worth it, but it takes a mature mindset not to fall into the trap of a poor self image.  I know I need to drop 20 pounds, but the pounds simply are not coming off.  I am trying to find the right balance of eating well and exercising without compromising my milk supply.  This is simply a season.  I need to offer myself grace instead of condemnation.

Another area that needs grace is in trying to fulfill my various roles.  I am wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and on and on.  I want to love others well. But, so often the time competes and I am not sure I am offering the best of me to anyone.  I had to miss seeing my Dad on Father's Day because it was Cade's birthday weekend.  Cade wanted to invite a friend over to spend the night.  I could choose grace in that moment or choose to live in guilt.  It is hard to not be all things to all people.

One of the final areas of this grace needed season is regarding our new home.  We have been here for a couple of weeks and things are still left undone.  Blinds need to be bought, light fixtures need to be changed, bathrooms need to be painted, Asher's room needs to be set up, the garage needs to be organized, the office needs some love, the list is endless.  But, when I see the sun coming up through the front of the house in the mornings, I can't imagine being anywhere else.  It feels like home.  Laundry is getting done and meals are being made.  We are home.  I can choose grace and extend grace to both Eric and myself as we strive to tackle each project.  This is not a marathon.

There is a favorite cake around these parts that we call "Never Fail Chocolate Cake."  It just might be my favorite cake ever.  The homemade chocolate cake part by itself is yummy enough, but you do the strangest thing to it.  You take a fork and start jabbing it, poking it with the biggest holes all throughout.  Then, you pour the most yummy buttery sugar concoction your taste buds ever dreamed of.  The end result is the most moist and delicious cake ever.

My life right now has a lot of holes.  Big gaping ones in need of a Helper.  Will I choose grace?

Come fill up the holes as only you can, Jesus.

I choose grace today.

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