Monday, February 13, 2012

February 13 {God is Healer}

What to do with this day.  February 13th hasn't been sneaky in its arrival for the past few years.  Instead, it pokes its ugly head beginning around January and slowly lingers, allowing Satan to let it have its full and nasty effect.  Remembering is hard work.  It is a battlefield and no matter how many years pass, the end result is always gory and tragic.

I can remember sitting in health class while in high school.  The teacher would bring up the topic of suicide and I would think to myself that he should just go on to something different because there was no way that suicide would ever happen to me or someone I loved.  The S-word was just about as far away from my mind as Tokyo.  It was surreal and unbelievable.

I never dreamed God would allow it to be written on the pages of my story.  It still seems harsh and cruel, but I think His mercy doesn't always look like what I think it should.  Kiley Elisabeth was a lover of God.  She had been washed in the blood of the Lamb. She served Jesus wholeheartedly here and abroad.  But, she wasn't immune to the enemy's tactics of defeat and depression.

None of us are.

If you have ever contemplated taking your own life, I want you to know that you are worth loving.  Jesus hung on a cross and suffocated and bled to tell you that you are worth dying for.  The King of all Ages died so you could enjoy and forevermore.

You are precious in His sight.  Don't let the Enemy scream otherwise.

Four years is a long time to wrestle with this thing.  I think for me, three years brought a measure of true healing.  There were glimpses of light along the way, but at three years, I could say the work was complete.  It doesn't mean that the ache isn't still real, but I can accept the Sovereignty of God better.  I am learning how to breathe grace easier.

I can look back over my "book" and see God's faithfulness to reveal Himself and carry me through the darkest of days.  I included two excerpts at the beginning of grief and one towards the end.  It was a journey for sure.  I think you will agree that God did a work of healing.

There is no circumstance too difficult that He can not enter into with you.  He is Healer.  I know this now.

So, on this day, this dreaded February 13th that I wish I could wipe off the calendar...I ache for my sister.  But, I am not without hope.

The Burden (4/3/08)

I keep having flashbacks of a particular day. I had gone by the Benjamin Moore paint store to look at some new colors. Fresh shades of Waterbury Cream, Wedgewood Gray, and Hawthorne Yellow danced before my eyes. Something about a splash of color in the bleak middle of February does a heart good. I walked out without making a purchase, but left dreaming of all the possibilities that a single can of paint can create.

I next stopped off at the dollar store. Eli’s Valentine school party was not for another thirty minutes and I needed to kill some time. I walked the aisles, wondering how much of a boom to our economy holidays created. I even tossed around the idea that the government made up “extra” holidays in order to get us to spend our hard earned dollar.

Deciding against buying anything else for Eli’s party, Sam and I went to the school. Little preschoolers were all seated at the table made for their cute little selves. Parents drooled over their adorable children as the children drooled over their stashes of Valentine candy. After the sugar induced high, the little boys and I headed home to rest.

While choosing paint colors and conversation hearts, my sister was choosing whether or not to go on with life. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around that.

I hope it is alright to be mad at God. Because I am. In the past, the Holy Spirit has often whispered into my being to pray for someone when that person is in danger or need. Why were you silent that day, Lord? What if my intercession had saved her life? All you had to do was place the thought of her upon my heart. I could have called her. Perhaps a simple phone call would have brought her back from the brink of despair. Perhaps a single voice could have kept her from going over the edge. Why didn’t you let me know of her need for help? Why didn’t you use me that day to save her life? It really would have been simple. And, yet, you left me out.

Why? Was there sin in my life that prevented me from hearing your voice? Was I not sensitive to your words upon my soul that day? I don’t think so. I think you simply refrained from letting me be a part. And I am mad at you for that. In fact, if you were close by, I think I would pummel my fists into your chest over and over again until I had no breath left in me.

It has created a huge burden in my life. Did you not listen to a single prayer I prayed for Kiley? After her struggle with depression and Satan himself, I spent countless hours praying for deliverance for that sweet girl. Doesn’t the cry of my heart matter to you? Are you cruel? How am I supposed to continue with our relationship when you allowed something like this to happen when I begged you to prevent it?

I am burdened over her death. I am burdened over whether or not my prayers amount to anything. I am burdened over how you can call yourself good.

And I am mad.

Beautiful in its Time

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Do you ever feel like you have been left in the dark? Perhaps not a place of spiritual darkness, because Jesus is light and there is no darkness in Him. But, more like a place of ignorant darkness. A place where you find yourself, even after you have begged God to show you wisdom concerning the "why" of a situation. You ask the Source of all knowledge, and yet, He remains silent, as if it is the best thing.

I have been there. I am there. I think I will always be there in certain circumstances. And, I think this is good. I am not saying that God doesn't reveal great and mighty things to us, particularly those that will point to knowing Him more and more. But, I think sometimes, He remains silent, and in that silence, His glory emanates as well.

The King James version says " man can find out the work that God maketh..." Some things are just beyond our ability to uncover. Some things will never be discovered by our minds and hearts. Our understanding is very limited right now. In a sense, we will always be childlike in certain matters. And I think that makes God smile.

God is able to remain sovereign and full of providence. In the meantime, we are forced to rely on Him alone. He doesn't disclose every detail to us and we are once again made aware that we are not in control, but we do serve the Almighty who has all control. He is the One who is not only in control, but will make all things beautiful when He deems them to be made beautiful.

In His goodness at leaving some things a mystery, He creates an environment where we can be little children, at peace and at rest. Even though our minds and sense of justice cry out for understanding, He knows that we aren't capable of seeing the big picture. Yet.

Psalm 131 says
"My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore."

As God keeps things hidden from our hearts while on this earth, it is actually an act of grace instead of a curse. He wants us in complete, utter love and fellowship with Him. Perhaps living by faith alone is the only place that will get us there.

Right now, certain circumstances seem icy. Sharp. Cold.

But, one day, in His time, those things will be made beautiful. Perhaps those things have already been made beautiful. Continue to rest. One day, we will see it as God does, from beginning to end, and utterly beautiful.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing that. Very heartfelt and beautiful. Kelley T.

Kelli said...

Love you, Becke'. I have so admired your vulnerability as you've walked this road of grief and healing. Grateful to call you family.

Wendy said...

While I haven't suffered grief and anger to this depth, we all have on some level for we live in a fallen world and don't have the mind of Christ. This was am great encouragement to me, Sister. I hope that God would tuck the promise that He makes all things beautiful in His time, deep into my heart for the times I need that truth the most. Blessings.