Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Insecurity and Giant Meatballs

I have always been insecure.  I've been that way for as long as I can remember.  I'd rather have a tooth pulled than enter a room full of people I don't know.  It is a constant battle trying to decide who can handle my heart with care and who has the capability of smattering it in a thousand bits with a single word.  I don't trust easily and I don't go deep with just anyone.

Enter my sophomore year in high school.  I was the new girl on campus.  I had gone to Fayetteville schools my whole educational life (minus the one year in Louisiana, that in itself is a whole other story) but now I found myself walking the halls of Springdale High School.  How on earth did I find myself in my rival's school building? 

I wasn't to be a Fayetteville Bulldog.  Nope, I was going to be a Springdale Bulldog. 

I knew no one.  Except maybe Natalie, which I had met in 4-H, but she was a cheerleader and out of my friend-league. 

I have blocked most of that first day out, I am sure.  We insecure types like to do that.  No reason for heart palpitations and shortness of breath unless you are on the treadmill, right?

But, the lunch stays with me.

Or, the lack of, I should say.

I saw the long lunch line while reality sank in.  I really don't know anyone here.  How on earth am I going to purchase a lunch when I don't have anyone to sit down with?  I will be the biggest fool trying to find a seat by myself. 

So instead, I hid.  And that was a major thing for this girl who had never skipped a meal in her entire 15 years of life.

I nonchalantly walked into the bathroom and locked myself into the stall.  I sat down on the stool and stared at my watch.  Maybe I was willing to miss lunch, but I wasn't about to be late for my next class.  Good girls just aren't tardy.

Apparently, the rumblings of my stomach weren't too noticeable that afternoon because no teacher turned me into child protective services for the blatant hunger that I thought for sure was written all over my face.

I don't think I have ever been happier to go home.  I walked into the door.  I remember both my parents being in the kitchen.  I went straight to the fridge and grabbed the first thing I saw.  Giant meatballs.  Perfect.

Now, my Mom's meatballs aren't your typical Spaghetti-Os sized meatballs.  We're talking fist sized and to die for.  I wasn't used to missing meals, so I did what any normal starving person would do. I shoved one in each cheek and willed myself to chew.  And fast.

All the while, my parents are staring and asking how my first day of high school was.  By this point, I am a blubbering mess of hot tears and anger and frustration and insecurity and humiliation.  I have snot running down my face and I can't even talk because I keep choking on the three pounds of hamburger meat that I recklessly shoved into my face.

I remember Dad wondering out loud if he did the right thing in switching us to a different school zone.  I assured him that I would be fine.

I just needed one single person to eat lunch with for crying out loud.

God must have looked on me with incredible mercy that day.  I don't remember when I started meeting people and making friends, but I don't remember having another lock-myself-in-the-bathroom kind of day again.

That story is partly funny now and then again not-so-much.  It reminds me that when I battle insecurity, the first thing I want to do is hide.  I think of Adam and Eve, grabbing anything they could grab to cover themselves.  Fig leaves.  God knew it would take more than simple leaves.

It would take blood and sacrifice and life.

Jesus, the final sacrifice, has come to give us life.  Abundant life. 

Will we trade in our insecurities for a life hidden with Him?

1 comment:

The cat's meow said...

Thank you for writing this Becke! I spent many high school lunches wandering around wondering if I would always eat alone. Though high school for me didn't really get any better, God has so redeemed it through what He has done since. Isn't it wonderful that He specializes in redeeming? I wish as I child I had known what I am just starting to learn now, that I am so secure in Him, that whether I have someone to eat with or not, I am never alone... and sometimes, He sends 2 people alone to Chick Fil A to eat with each other. ;)