Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Praise in the Storm {almost 6 years}

Pick any of the previous post's pictures of Asher and it would describe how I am doing.  The first six weeks of the year haunt and taunt and culminate into this huge climax of the week we are once again living and reliving.  God heals, yes.  But tears still fall.  Somehow, it is an achingly beautiful and sacred dance of His sovereignty and my frailty. 

What has hurt me the most these past few weeks is that Kiley not only left us six years ago, but chose to leave.

You simply can't grasp the condemnation and rejection unless you have lived it.

Last fall, I had a dream that literally left me crying.  In the dream, we discovered that Kiley had somehow faked her death in order to run away from home so that we would never bother her again.  I found out she was alive and went to find her.  She was beautiful as always and looked so happy.  I begged and begged her to come home to us but she refused and said she was better off. In the dream, she walked away.  She didn't even look back.

The rejection stung so badly that I woke up sobbing.

Kiley always had a desire that she would one day dance in the rain with the one she loves.  Later last fall, I found myself in a new gift shop downtown.  I almost gasped when my eyes fell upon a certain painting.  It was my sister on canvas.  She had an umbrella in hand and was walking away.  Her face could not be seen.  But, her bouncy dark brown hair was in a ponytail and the colors all around were bright.  I never knew a painting could haunt my soul so deeply. 

I couldn't afford the painting, but this image gives you an idea of the emotion of the other painting in the store.

Carefree and in love with life.
But still walking away from me.
I guess after six years, that is where my heart is.
I know she is happy and better off. 
But, what I wouldn't give for her to simply glance back at me.

After six years, the ache boils to the surface as if it were as fresh as ever.  But, God has taught me one thing.  Praise Him in the storm.  Day by day.  Year by year.  Until my faith shall be my eyes.


Bugs and Sunshine said...

This was beautifully shared. Every time you share about Kiley, your words are so filled with the Holy Spirit's power. Your words bring so much glory to God and encouragement to those reading them.

Anonymous said...

Just read this post. Beautiful.
Strange, is it not, that we both have had dreams she is still alive and in hiding from us? And that when we find her she won't come home. Well, she is home and no, I would not want her to come back to us either. One day we will understand...one day we will be home with her. Can't wait!!Mom