Monday, March 12, 2012

The Fears

It is a daily battle, isn't it?  Fear can overtake your being quicker than any other tactic from the enemy.  Indulge it even a little and you find yourself in a tidal wave of despair.

That said, I think it is good to name your fears.  Call them out and name those ugly babies.  Turn those fears captive over to the One who can redeem them and turn our thoughts toward good.

I guess my greatest fear is that Eric would die, leaving me, a female, to raise three boys into Godly manhood.  I know God is the Father to the fatherless, and I know His grace would be sufficient, but still, that fear just about leaves me undone.  Not to mention that I would terribly miss my best friend and faithful companion.

I fear being left in a dry season spiritually.  Once you have experienced the intimacy of Christ, and know that nothing else satisfies, it is hard to be "between rains."  The Israelites would pray and wait for the early and latter rains, knowing they were dependent on them for crops and life.  For me spiritually, Christ is that rain.  When in a dry season, fear starts to sneak up, telling me that rain isn't coming and that I will be left a dead seed, buried deep.  I try and conquer the doubt by telling myself that it is all a beautiful process...if the seed were constantly flooded, it would never rise out of the dry earth and become a tree of life.  If there were constant rain, there would be no fruit.

I fear that I will go unheard.  Unappreciated.  Unvalued.

I fear that I have played it too safe.  Using my shyness as a cover, I wonder if I have defamed the name of Jesus instead of making Him known.  When in college, there was a girl who said she believed that the earth we were living on now was a living hell.  She truly believed it wouldn't get any worse that what it is now.  I refused to speak up.  I refused her the hope that she could have eternal bliss and joy in Jesus.  I still regret that.  I fear that when I get to Heaven, my reward will be small because I didn't make a difference in the Kingdom.

I fear public speaking. 

I fear I can't manage well what God has entrusted to me.  My job description is something like:  secretary, accountant/budget keeper, mentor, Mom, wife, worship leader, food manager/preparer, chief shopper, housekeeper, laundry queen, peacemaker, friend, sister, daughter, author, photographer, business owner, chief transporter, emotional sensor, bible studier, paper manager, prayer warrior, and volunteer.  It is overwhelming most days.  Most days, it is a battle, trying to maintain a peaceful and clean home...while raising Godly kids...while trying to maintain relationships and your own relationship with your husband...while not letting the clutter and calendar overtake your life.  Most days I want off the crazy train, fearing I might be missing out on what is really important.  I know the answer is to simplify, but I don't see anything that can be cut out.

I keep this photo I took of "Aslan" by my bed.  It reminds me everyday when I wake up that Jesus is my roaring Lion and my defense for the day.  He is the very shield I need against fear if I am willing to surrender.

There you have it...

1 comment:

Erica said...

Thank you ! (I am preparing another list for when you get these done :)