Michelle and Lily's shower!

The day we have all been waiting for.  The day we could celebrate baby Lily and the road it took to get her here.  My stars.  I have never seen so many adorable girly things.  Baby silver glitter Toms.  Shut up.  Just shut up!

Erica made the cake.  I am telling you, if she ever quits with the thrust manipulation stuff, then a bakery will be in her future, for sure!  Not only does she create things with her own vision, but her creations taste mighty amazing as well!  Her cake matches baby Lily's bedding but also has a cloud with raindrops cascading down the side because Lily's middle name is Rain.  Just awesome.

Now, Crafty Julie enters the picture.  She is just like my sister Amelia in this fashion.  She can see anything on Pinterest and go create!  She made the amazing banner and came up with the idea of hanging baby clothes on jute with mini clothespins.  A-DOR-ABLE.

Check out this humongo canvas.  My goodness, that takes cuteness to a whole new level!

 Oh My.  A lily on the L.  so sweet.

What a fun time to celebrate God's goodness!  We love you, Lily Rain!

{I am post happy--if you missed Cade's baptism, it is below!}

Cade: Baptized!

There is just nothing like it...listening to your husband's voice crack with emotion as he baptizes our first born son.  God has been good to us.  We have no greater delight than knowing Cade walks in Truth.

{thank you Tiffny for snapping these shots for us!}

My favorite sport

I won't lie.  If I have a kid out there playing, I don't really care what sport it is.  But, I certainly am partial to basketball!  LOVE IT!  This first set of color pics is Cade on a fast break, so pretend it is a movie!  I have to admit, sports/action photography is not my strong suit!  Now I am going to go bawl a bit because the season is almost over. 

Making the Request Known

I've been thinking a lot about anxiety and fear lately and how Satan uses it to disarm and cripple us until we wallow around in a sea of self pity and uselessness.  I think some are affected by fear more than others.  I don't know if it is passed down through the genealogical line or what ...well, personally I believe it is.  It is time to take back some ground! 

I remember my Nana telling me things like, "Now when Eric is out of town, you should disarm your garage door because people can still get in that way if they want to."  That is just what a new bride needed to hear.  I wrestled with fear forever while Eric traveled.  I could hardly even wash my face at night because that meant I had to close my eyes and I knew Anthony Hopkins from Silence of the Lambs was ready to pounce on me and eat me whole.  I finally got freedom by pasting scripture around and memorizing something to say while washing my face.  The word became my only sword of defense.

I also remember other things said from her that did nothing to make me run towards faith but instead sprint towards the finish line of fear.  That is why I think fear is passed down...when we hear it as impressionable children, then we assume it is the correct way to think and live.  We become consumed with it, but we do have ta choice to let it go and live a life of faith.

{I know it sounds like I am bashing my Nana.  She is a very Godly woman and loves Jesus and pointed us to God's word...maybe she'll forgive me...ha!}

Apparently, gaining freedom from fear in one area of life doesn't mean it is going to bleed over into all areas.  I have been thinking a lot about what leads me into a pit of anxiety and I think some of it is that I am afraid to voice my true desires; fearful they may not line up with God's plan. 

Let's be clear on this:  We are to make our requests known to God.

He hammers it into us in Philippians 4:6-7.  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Maybe the key to NO anxiety is to simply make the requests known.  Write them down and then leave them at  the throne.  If He is good, and He tells us we can count on it, then what better place are our desires than at the foot of the One who bled and died for us?

The King James Version says to be careful for nothing.  "Nothing" in Greek is "medeis" which means "not even one."  I am commanded to not be anxious over even one thing.  I know that is stating the obvious, but I can't even remember the last time I was only anxious about one thing, much less nothing.

Try a little experiment.  Write the requests down.  Leave them with Jesus.  Sit back and see if peace, a peace that defies any explanation, fills you up.

Where did he go?

Stop the truck!  Did I miss something?  Because all of a sudden, like in the time it takes to inhale, my baby boy has lost all remaining vestiges of anything that remotely looks baby.  He is all boy with a capital B.  His face has filled out a ton...even since Christmas!  Can you tell a difference?

Cherish the Fetus

While studying God's glory (kabod: weight) I came across Exodus 33.  Don't you love it when God will reveal something fresh and deep with a passage that you just think you understand?

It is the all-famous passage where Moses dares ask God to show him His glory.  Spurgeon says it is the 'greatest request that man could ever make to God':  show me your glory! I love how God doesn't reveal His glory at first, but prepares Moses for what His glory is going to look like.  It is as if God is saying "Number one, it will be seen in my goodness (towb:  goodness, beauty, bounty.)"  "Number two, it will be seen in my name. (the LORD:  Yahweh)"  And Number three, it will be in the fact that I am merciful and gracious to whom I want."  (We see that God's glory is evident not just in his mercy and grace but in His sovereignty over whom and how He wants to exercise that.)

So, God prepares Moses for this weighty thing that is about to occur.  But, who of us can ever really be prepared for His Glory?  God knows that is will knock us dead, so he tells Moses that He is going to allow him to stand on a rock...He will hide Him in the cleft of a rock while His glory passes by.  {Another occurrence of JESUS...can I get an amen?} 

Rock of Ages

Cleft for Me

Let Me Hide Myself in Thee

Do you see?  Our weight must be on the rock that is Jesus for us to behold the weight of God's glory!  We stand on Christ alone. Is your house built on the rock?  He is the chief cornerstone.  1 Corinthians 10:4 says "and all drank the same spiritual drink, for they drank from the spiritual Rock that followed them, and the Rock was Christ."  Jesus is our rock. He is our only hope of beholding God's glory and living to tell about it!

Remember how I said the Hebrew word for Glory was Kabod?  Well, I googled it and wouldn't you know it, Satan decided to take the word that pointed to God's character and weight and turn it into something entirely different.  He is the counterfeit and He has tried to steal the very word for glory and turn it into something that might glorify his own evil ways.  I don't recommend looking it up, but Kabod is an online game featuring sexual and adult content.  Satan tries to twist everything, doesn't he?!!

So, back to Exodus 33.  God tells Moses what His glory is going to look like.  One of those things is regarding his mercy and grace.  "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious and I will show mercy on whom I will show mercy."  (Ex. 33:19b)  What I discovered is that the Hebrew word for mercy there is "racham"  which means compassion or the womb or to cherish the fetus in the womb.

If you have carried a baby for any amount of time, then I know this makes your heart pound.  It stirs something deep inside of me to know that God's mercy towards me is similar to how I have felt towards my unborn babies. 

Each time was no different.  From the moment I saw the line turn on the tests, something changed inside.  I became fierce.  I became consumed with a whole new level of love.  I was willing to freely give up coke, coffee, and fried food while also being willing to swallow horse pills doctors call vitamins.  My dreams and ambitions became different.  I would do whatever was in my power to protect and care for the child inside.  If I had anything to do with it, the child would live and be guarded from anything evil.

I cherished each fetus, looking forward to not only what they were, but what they would become.

I think of a fetus inside of a mother and I think of how utterly vulnerable it is.  It is helpless, totally dependent on the mother for sustenance and life.

God is telling us that His great mercy towards us is that of a mother towards her unborn baby.  He sheds His mercy on us because He dreams of what we can be with His grace. 

Introducing

Lily!

Can I just share a little secret with you?  My heart hasn't been this happy in a very long time.  Seeing Lily Rain for the first time just made the world right.  My dear friends, Todd and Michelle, welcomed her to their arms last Thursday.  She is beautiful and perfect and I can hardly keep the tears contained.  

Sometimes, when we see prayers answered, it is just too much!  His Glory on display is just too much to take in at times.  Thank you, Lord, for this sweet gift!!!

My Funny Valentine

He keeps me laughing.  I didn't marry him for it, but I am thankful for it now.  Through heartache, disappointment, tragedy, dull monotony, and chaos, he is always there to keep me smiling.  He is loyal.  Protective.  Hot.  Tender Hearted.  Wise.  Discerning.  And Jokey.  Thank you God for such a good Valentine!

{awesome and fun photos by Todd Owens Photography}

February 13 {God is Healer}

What to do with this day.  February 13th hasn't been sneaky in its arrival for the past few years.  Instead, it pokes its ugly head beginning around January and slowly lingers, allowing Satan to let it have its full and nasty effect.  Remembering is hard work.  It is a battlefield and no matter how many years pass, the end result is always gory and tragic.

I can remember sitting in health class while in high school.  The teacher would bring up the topic of suicide and I would think to myself that he should just go on to something different because there was no way that suicide would ever happen to me or someone I loved.  The S-word was just about as far away from my mind as Tokyo.  It was surreal and unbelievable.

I never dreamed God would allow it to be written on the pages of my story.  It still seems harsh and cruel, but I think His mercy doesn't always look like what I think it should.  Kiley Elisabeth was a lover of God.  She had been washed in the blood of the Lamb. She served Jesus wholeheartedly here and abroad.  But, she wasn't immune to the enemy's tactics of defeat and depression.

None of us are.

If you have ever contemplated taking your own life, I want you to know that you are worth loving.  Jesus hung on a cross and suffocated and bled to tell you that you are worth dying for.  The King of all Ages died so you could enjoy living...here and forevermore.

You are precious in His sight.  Don't let the Enemy scream otherwise.

Four years is a long time to wrestle with this thing.  I think for me, three years brought a measure of true healing.  There were glimpses of light along the way, but at three years, I could say the work was complete.  It doesn't mean that the ache isn't still real, but I can accept the Sovereignty of God better.  I am learning how to breathe grace easier.

I can look back over my "book" and see God's faithfulness to reveal Himself and carry me through the darkest of days.  I included two excerpts below...one at the beginning of grief and one towards the end.  It was a journey for sure.  I think you will agree that God did a work of healing.

There is no circumstance too difficult that He can not enter into with you.  He is Healer.  I know this now.

So, on this day, this dreaded February 13th that I wish I could wipe off the calendar...I ache for my sister.  But, I am not without hope.



The Burden (4/3/08)

I keep having flashbacks of a particular day. I had gone by the Benjamin Moore paint store to look at some new colors. Fresh shades of Waterbury Cream, Wedgewood Gray, and Hawthorne Yellow danced before my eyes. Something about a splash of color in the bleak middle of February does a heart good. I walked out without making a purchase, but left dreaming of all the possibilities that a single can of paint can create.

I next stopped off at the dollar store. Eli’s Valentine school party was not for another thirty minutes and I needed to kill some time. I walked the aisles, wondering how much of a boom to our economy holidays created. I even tossed around the idea that the government made up “extra” holidays in order to get us to spend our hard earned dollar.

Deciding against buying anything else for Eli’s party, Sam and I went to the school. Little preschoolers were all seated at the table made for their cute little selves. Parents drooled over their adorable children as the children drooled over their stashes of Valentine candy. After the sugar induced high, the little boys and I headed home to rest.

While choosing paint colors and conversation hearts, my sister was choosing whether or not to go on with life. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around that.

I hope it is alright to be mad at God. Because I am. In the past, the Holy Spirit has often whispered into my being to pray for someone when that person is in danger or need. Why were you silent that day, Lord? What if my intercession had saved her life? All you had to do was place the thought of her upon my heart. I could have called her. Perhaps a simple phone call would have brought her back from the brink of despair. Perhaps a single voice could have kept her from going over the edge. Why didn’t you let me know of her need for help? Why didn’t you use me that day to save her life? It really would have been simple. And, yet, you left me out.

Why? Was there sin in my life that prevented me from hearing your voice? Was I not sensitive to your words upon my soul that day? I don’t think so. I think you simply refrained from letting me be a part. And I am mad at you for that. In fact, if you were close by, I think I would pummel my fists into your chest over and over again until I had no breath left in me.

It has created a huge burden in my life. Did you not listen to a single prayer I prayed for Kiley? After her struggle with depression and Satan himself, I spent countless hours praying for deliverance for that sweet girl. Doesn’t the cry of my heart matter to you? Are you cruel? How am I supposed to continue with our relationship when you allowed something like this to happen when I begged you to prevent it?

I am burdened over her death. I am burdened over whether or not my prayers amount to anything. I am burdened over how you can call yourself good.

And I am mad.

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Beautiful in its Time

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Do you ever feel like you have been left in the dark? Perhaps not a place of spiritual darkness, because Jesus is light and there is no darkness in Him. But, more like a place of ignorant darkness. A place where you find yourself, even after you have begged God to show you wisdom concerning the "why" of a situation. You ask the Source of all knowledge, and yet, He remains silent, as if it is the best thing.

I have been there. I am there. I think I will always be there in certain circumstances. And, I think this is good. I am not saying that God doesn't reveal great and mighty things to us, particularly those that will point to knowing Him more and more. But, I think sometimes, He remains silent, and in that silence, His glory emanates as well.

The King James version says "...no man can find out the work that God maketh..." Some things are just beyond our ability to uncover. Some things will never be discovered by our minds and hearts. Our understanding is very limited right now. In a sense, we will always be childlike in certain matters. And I think that makes God smile.

God is able to remain sovereign and full of providence. In the meantime, we are forced to rely on Him alone. He doesn't disclose every detail to us and we are once again made aware that we are not in control, but we do serve the Almighty who has all control. He is the One who is not only in control, but will make all things beautiful when He deems them to be made beautiful.

In His goodness at leaving some things a mystery, He creates an environment where we can be little children, at peace and at rest. Even though our minds and sense of justice cry out for understanding, He knows that we aren't capable of seeing the big picture. Yet.

Psalm 131 says

"My heart is not proud, O LORD,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have stilled and quieted my soul;

like a weaned child with its mother,

like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD

both now and forevermore."

As God keeps things hidden from our hearts while on this earth, it is actually an act of grace instead of a curse. He wants us in complete, utter love and fellowship with Him. Perhaps living by faith alone is the only place that will get us there.

Right now, certain circumstances seem icy. Sharp. Cold.

But, one day, in His time, those things will be made beautiful. Perhaps those things have already been made beautiful. Continue to rest. One day, we will see it as God does, from beginning to end, and utterly beautiful.

The Evil Excess

My garage is threatening implosion.  After a sale that was cancelled due to rain, I now have a garage full of happily priced items begging to go to a new home.  The excess is driving me mad.

James 1:21 says to "put away all filthiness and rampart wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls."

Beth Moore says that the NET Bible translation says to do away with all the evil excess.  It is almost as if the message from God can't even take up residence until all the excess that doesn't glorify Him is done away with. 

My garage understands this.

A few weeks ago, Eric told me he wants to stop watching as much TV because he is coming to believe that there is no room for God to speak when the noise of life takes up so much room.  The excess of noise takes away the space that was meant for the still, small Voice.

I have been thinking about how the evil excess might look like in our lives today.  I think it can come in the form of materialism.  Our closets probably offer abundance, but are they to the point of evil excess?  Do they keep others from being clothed?  Do they keep us in the chains of pride or vain glory?

The evil excess might crowd out the Word by consuming too much space via the television, facebook, pinterest, blogging (gasp), or phone. 

What if evil excess came across in the form of food or gluttony?  Now I love food.  I mean love it.  Is food becoming an evil excess when I am not willing to give it up to fast for a friend?

What are your thoughts?  Can you think of any "Evil excesses" that would take up the space where the Word of God is supposed to be?

{My thoughts behind this post stem from the new study on James by Beth Moore.}

Gifts!

Have you ever taken a spiritual gifts test?  There are so many out there...and so many opinions on what a "gift" is and what a "gift" isn't.  I found this particular test (thanks to Anna) and thought it was fun to take...it is free and you can take it too!  I scored highest in mercy and shepherding.  Not sure what that means, but it seems to go with what God has been telling me since college:  Feed My Sheep.  I didn't feel like this test listed all the possible gifts, but it was fun to take.  Here is the link.  You will have to tell me your highest gifts!

Isn't it just like God to gift us with something that strictly has the purpose of blessing others including the body of Christ?  Even what He gives is always meant to be given.  Sounds like typical Jesus to me!

Asking for Wisdom

The theme of wisdom has been all encompassing around here.  God is telling me all I have to do is ask in faith and He will give it.  (See James 1)

But, I think we as believers need to know how to receive it from His Word.  I keep coming back to this one page in Beth Moore's study on "David:  Seeking a Heart Like His."  She explains the method she uses in seeking to hear from God.  Hope you enjoy!  (These words are hers and taken right off page 106...hope sweet Beth doesn't mind.)

1.  I acknowledge my specific need for direction.  Example:  'Lord, I have been asked to serve on the pastor's council.  I need to know whether or not this council is Your will for my life at this time.'  I almost always write my question in a journal so that I can keep a record of God's activity in the specific matter.

2.  I continue to pray daily and study His Word.

3.  I ask Him to help me recognize His answer.  He usually helps me recognize His answer by bringing His Word and the Holy Spirit He has placed within me into agreement over the matter.  In other words, I resist reading into my situation everything God's Word says.  I specifically ask Him to confirm with His Word and His Spirit what He desires to apply to my life.  One or two weeks later I might be studying a particular passage of Scripture and His Holy Spirit will draw my attention to it and remind me of my question.  The Spirit seems to say, 'Look, Beth, that's it!'

4.  I ask for a confirmation if I have any doubt.  You might ask, 'What if the Holy Spirit still hasn't given you an answer when the deadline comes?'  I usually assume the answer is no.

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Me again.  I always seem to fail at step 3, where it talks about reading into my situation everything God's Word says.  When I want wisdom, I want it NOW and I forget that His wisdom also includes the right timing in giving us wisdom.  Like Beth says, "I am learning to be more patient and allow God to be more specific if He wishes."  Asking for wisdom is a wise thing to do...but waiting for it to come in God's way and timing requires a whole other level of it!  It all reminds me of something my father in law says often, "You know, God always has a way of working these things out!"  Guess I should relax and let the Sovereign One work it out!