Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Brain Scan

We found out yesterday the second born doesn't have a brain tumor.  So, you know, that's good.

Two days ago, I watched as brave Eli entered the CT scan machine, the techs forcing me out of the room due to the mass amounts of radiation.  They shut the door and left me to the blinking red light above the door that screamed "CT scan in process."  Every time the light blinked, the machine pounded and whirled, to a rhythm that oddly matched my erratic heartbeat.

It's hard down here.

Daily, I have to remind myself that Jesus knows what it feels like to be us.

Mothering is hard work.  It takes releasing those babies straight over to the Almighty, in daily and second by second increments.  The thing is this:  we know God is good, but we don't know exactly how that goodness is going to be played out in our children's lives.  What if a brain tumor is what would have brought Him the most glory?  How would I have handled that?

So, it looks like we are saying yes to migraines.  For a 12 year old.  If God is entrusting Eli with these, will I handle it with grace?  How can I teach our children to pray for healing, but to be content and grateful if He doesn't decide to request that?  What if His plan is to be glorified in the pain?  I hope I can teach Eli these deeper spiritual truths, especially when all I want to do is shield him from anything that might hurt.

We have to let these babies grow.  They have to sooner or later experience the fact that this home in not our real one.  We have to allow the suffering so that they will crave the One who promises so much more. 

Eli is my child entrusted with the gift of mercy.  He feels and laughs and enters pain deeply.  He doesn't shy away from his emotions or his questions.  I pray that as the suffering of his life continues, the gift of mercy will grow exponentially as well.  I pray he grows in mercy as he grows in the understanding that evil took Paradise and shredded it into a war torn land.

We are broken.  But not forsaken.

We delight in a Savior who will make all things right.  No brain tumors. No lung cancer. No migraines. No anxiety. No grasping for air in the middle of the night.  No tears soaking the pillow.  No damaged relationships.  No sin.

He is coming back.


{Pray He finds us faithful.}

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