Sunday, January 15, 2012

Death Precedes Growth

Something happened at the end of last year that left me totally undone.  I am empty and don't know exactly how to get filled again.  I seem to be missing a chunk of me.  I am not depressed or sad or angry or confused.  Just blank.

I sit down to pray and nothing for my life or future will spill forth.  I have no problem praying for others, but anything concerning me just won't come out.

It is as if God stripped me bare and then sat back down on His throne, to see how I would respond.  I think my response has been an acceptable one.  Praise.  Faith.  Tears.

But, now I am empty.  I start to pray, but there is no desire left in me.  I am scared of any desire that is inside, knowing desire can bring such ache, so I  have discarded it.  All of it.

Any expectations of my life...any ambition, dream, hope...anything I have prayed for is now dead.

And yet, oddly, I think this is exactly where I am supposed to be.  My word for the year is fruit.  Isn't it just like the Master Gardener, in this first month of the year, to take my little self, plant me in the rich soil, bury me in the dark earth, and step back.

If my one word for the year is fruit, then doesn't death always have to precede growth?  John 12:24-25 says "Truly truly I say unto you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

So, the first principle of bearing fruit is of death.  Growth will only occur once death has occurred.  Death of the seed precedes growth of the fruit.

As I lay in bed at night trying to pray, I realize that I am where I am meant to be.  Crucified with Christ.  No longer living.  Buried deep in the rich earth, protected by the Master Gardener.  I have no desires, but I can pray that His desires start to infiltrate my frame so that as I burst through the dirt, I will have the passions of the Master.

1 comment:

The Lowery Family said...

thank you! I needed to hear this so badly today.