Just a Glimpse...

I tend to cycle into being a recluse.  I do it well.  Being a recluse, that is.  I can be quite content laying on my bed with a bowl of ice cream, a suspense novel, and the space heater blowing towards me.  With the door shut.

I can be content to lock out the outside world.  And retreat into myself.  Because sometimes it is just too much.  Dealing with the outside world.

I think God promotes solitude as an act of spiritual searching.  But perhaps not for hiding from all that is around.

It has been a couple of weeks of blah.  Feeling condemnation all around.  Spiritual warfare at its finest.  Cause Satan knows where to strike.  And he knows I will blame myself instead of him.

Until I can't take it anymore.

And, then a glimpse of light.  Of hope.

That is where I am...seeing a glimpse that things could be different.  Instead of feeling condemnation in areas of fear, eating, lack of exercise, not teaching the kids enough bible stories, not being involved in the outside world...I could change.

It is possible.

And then I get overwhelmed.  And I want to retreat again.  With the door shut.  And a bowl of ice cream.

I had a monster headache today.  It was one of the worst ever.  I thought I was going to throw up while driving Sam and I home.  It terrified me...thoughts of hurling and hitting a car at the same time. 

So, I downed more medicine and took a two hour nap.  Then went to get the other kids.  Then came home for stronger medicine. 

I just have this sense that we aren't quite living how God intended His children to live.

Abundance.
Victory.
Joy.

I want life to the full.  Now.  On earth.  What would that look like?

I read a verse today that said David asked for courage to pray.  I need that courage.  To pray.  Because faith can be a very risky thing.

That is just a glimpse of my heart today.