Redeeming Back the Time

Kiley has been in our Savior's presence for 2 years and 8 months. I miss her wild, curly hair. I long to see her hazel eyes spiked with green. I just want to enjoy the things that sisters enjoy together...talking about boys, shopping, eating good food, telling each other what Jesus is teaching us. I'm getting that all back one day. And then some.

The below is something I wrote more than a year ago. Suicide is something that many won't talk about. The ones left behind are so traumatized  that they don't know how to proceed.  (The American Psychiatric Association says that "the level of stress resulting from the suicide of a loved one is ranked as catastrophic-equivalent to that of a concentration camp experience."  Everyone left on the spectator stands simply don't know what to say.

And so, nothing gets said. Many don't get healed. And the beautiful people that God created that decided to listen to the enemy's lies are stamped with the letter "S."

Would you read the below and maybe open your heart to what God has to say about His children that chose to take their lives?

Redeeming Back the Time 8/30/09

I have had a "theme" etched across my heart for about a month now. It is the concept of redeeming something. But this theme is not necessarily in the reference to Christ's redeeming blood that sets us free; although is there anything more precious or worthy of words? Instead, it has taken the shape of two very different forms. The first form is a very practical way for believers to live their day to day lives. The second is more of an act of God, something we can only hope for.

There are many definitions of the word "redeem." For this first concept, I like the idea of "to make up for," or to "recover ownership of by paying a specified sum." Our lives were bought with a price. Do our lives reflect our grateful hearts? Our pastor, Ken, said awhile back that in the KJV, Ephesians 5:16 says, "redeeming the time because the days are evil." We are to make the most of every chance we get. Colossians 4:5 says to "walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time."

I think we have a great challenge ahead of us: we need to understand what the Master requires of us. Our time is not our own. God bought it. God gifts it back to us to allow us to bring glory to Him. Matthew Henry said that "Time is a talent given us by God and it is misspent and lost when not employed according to His design." I don't know that I ever really thought about time being a talent from God. But, what we do from day to day will echo in eternity.

The idea of being disciplined with my time makes me smile in some areas and swoon with passivity in others. John Wesley said that we are to be "buying up every fleeting moment out of the hands of sin and Satan."

It dawned on me that one practical way to redeem the time in my life would be to immediately start praying about things instead of dwelling on things to the point that worry becomes all consuming. Instead of feeding Satan my worrisome thought life, I can approach the throne of grace with my thoughts and snatch away any stronghold the enemy might gain over my thought life.

Only the things that are done for Christ will last. All else will be burned. The wind will carry away the ashes of new clothes, shallow entertainment, and expensive get-aways. What am I doing that will matter even when time does not exist?

The second concept of "buying back the time" really doesn't tie into the first one. The second concept is all about God. Can you picture being face to face with your Savior and all of the sudden, everything is set right? Every desire of your heart has been given? Every ounce of worth and reputation has been restored?

We live in such a fallen world, that I think it is hard to picture one that is not. And yet, it awaits us. Things hurt down here. But, redemption is in God's character. How silly we are to think that He only redeems our souls. He will also redeem every hurt and sense of loss.

Selah has a song out called "Unredeemed." My favorite line is "When anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord, just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed."

Part of my desire in writing my story of grief down is to point to God’s faithfulness in “buying back the time.” Being a suicide survivor threw me into an inclusive, never-ending club that I never desired to be a member of. Being a member of this club has cost me everything and paid back zero in dividends.

As if there isn’t enough self condemnation that swirls around after losing a loved one to suicide, there seems to be an unspoken aura of questions that linger between the survivor and others. It is easy to take on shame for the inability to prevent the tragedy. It becomes second nature to defend the loved one and try to get others to see the person in a glorious light instead of darkness full of confusion and judgment.

Suicide seems to be the purest form of spiritual warfare. It is the war of a person’s mind. The only problem is that those around the possible victim aren’t always privy to the battle book. When a loved one’s deep and possibly dark thoughts remain unspoken, it is hard to go to war on behalf of those thoughts.

I have recently been reminded of the story, The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. It takes place in 17th century Puritan Massachusetts where legalism always trumps grace. The main character, Hester Prynne, has been convicted of adultery. Her penance is to wear on her bosom a scarlet letter “A” made out of cloth. She is to wear it until the day she dies. Her sin would forever be marked upon her chest with the entire town to look upon and condemn.

After rereading bits and pieces of this American classic, I was dumbstruck at the physical description of Hester. It says, “The young woman was tall, with a figure of perfect elegance, on a large scale. She had dark and abundant hair, so glossy that it threw off the sunshine with a gleam, and a face which, besides being beautiful from regularity of feature and richness of complexion, had the impressiveness of belonging to a marked brow…” The lines could have been penned for my sister.

We later see the townspeople who have known Hester, behold her as if for the first time after her act that changed everything. “But the point which drew all eyes, and, as it were, transfigured the wearer,--so that both men and women, who had been familiarly acquainted with Hester Prynne, were now impressed as if they beheld her for the first time,--was that SCARLET LETTER, so fantastically embroidered and illuminated upon her bosom. It had the effect of a spell, taking her out of the ordinary relations with humanity, and inclosing her in a sphere by herself.” The end of the book says of the large cloth letter “A”: “Never afterwards did it quit her bosom.”

I feel in my heart that suicide victims go to their graves with a large letter “S” stamped on their chests. But, since they are not able to walk the streets themselves, their family members wear that “S” for them.

I have been struggling with wanting to remember Kiley for Kiley and all that God created her to be in her 24 years of life. And, yet, when I think of her, I often just think of that horrible day and the fact that she in no longer in our presence. I want to remember Kiley for her life, not her death.

I know that if I struggle with this, then people who barely knew her will think of her in this light, as well. Suicide is nasty in that is doesn’t leave the survivors any closure. Without an answer to the “why” in the death, it seems hard to move on to a celebration of the life.

I have to believe that grace covers the “S” we wear on behalf of Kiley. I am praying that God will redeem back the time and convert the “S” of suicide into an “S” of sovereignty. We are marked with the power of God. In Him, we live and move and have our being.

I have no authority to buy back any shame that has encircled Kiley and her actions. But her Savior has already taken care of that. He has set her free. He restored her honor, worth, and reputation. He bought back February 13, 2008 from my sister. She doesn’t walk the streets of gold with a letter “S” marked upon her bosom. She simply isn’t viewed that way in Heaven. Why on earth do we continue to view her that way on earth?