*DIARY of a Crazy, Grieving Woman*

You are probably thinking that I should stop posting about my grief, but it really is good therapy for me to do this. I have always been a better writer than talker and so it is a way for me to get across my thoughts...for whoever really cares to read! It has been a month and I am thinking that I will forever hate the 13th of every month. Maybe God will redeem that. So, here are some insights into my days as of late....

Entry #1
I was feeling good emotionally last Sunday as we went to church. I did really good through the first set of songs and the sermon. And then came the Charlie Hall song that was played at the funeral. It has been one of my favorite songs for awhile...even before the tragedy. Here are the words:
Verse 1
Jesus come take me away, I long to see Your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made,
Jesus come take me away
Jesus I’ll patiently wait, till like a vapor I’ll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King,

(last cho only)
And you’ll come for me

Verse 2
Jesus today I am tired, I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire,
but Jesus today I’m so tired

Come for me

So, I started crying harder and harder (sitting on the 2nd row, mind you!) After mascara stains started staining my favorite green sweater, Eric went to the men's room to get me a wad of one-ply. Tip #1: Always, always carry tissue with you during these times for you never know when it will hit. Well, then the next song started playing...which I love and is really easy to sing when everything in life is just peachy. But, not so much on this day! Here are the words:

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
album: Where Angels Fear To Tread (2002)
Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

He certainly does give and take away...and I personally tend to like the "giving" much more. So, I honestly have never looked so bad leaving a church service. People were staring at me and I just wanted to shout, "Yes, I know my makeup is gone and I have black streaks coming down my face and spilling onto my favorite green sweater!!" The rest of this day was good...it was therapeutic to have a good cry...even if it was in front of hundreds of others. I managed to get caught up on my scrapbooks---which is always a huge accomplishment!

Entry #2
Yesterday as I was sitting in the drive through at Mickey D's, I noticed this young lady in the car in front of me. The way she wore her hair in a heap on top of her head really made me think of my sister. And, then I was staring at her, because she did resemble Kiley some. And then, I was gawking, noticing how her long neck was like Kiley's. She must have caught my rudeness, because she put on her sunglasses. I always laughed at movies that portrayed characters who obsessed over people that looked like someone they have lost or loved. I have become that person!!!!!!! What I wouldn't give just to sit with her again. Someday....someday.

Entry #3
While at Walmart, I noticed a movie that had just been released. I am not a movie-buying person. My husband is, which is why it is hard to find a good chick-flick in our house. I really don't enjoy watching movies over and over again unless it is something spectacular, like "Sweet Home Alabama." Well, for the sole reason that I remember Kiley saying she thought the movie was wonderful, I grabbed it with all my gusto. It is called "August Rush." I haven't seen it yet, but I have no doubts that I will love it since we have the same taste in movies.

Entry #4
Why is it that I usually hate salty snacks...chips, etc.--and now I am thoroughly enjoying a good tube of Pringles or tortilla chips with Tostitos Salsa Con Queso??? Could it be that my body needs to replenish itself of all the salt I lose through my tears? Is this the most crazy theory you have ever heard of?

Entry #5
With Easter approaching, I am celebrating with new zeal the fact that Jesus is alive and that He has conquered the grave and death...not just for Himself, but for the redeemed. The story of Lazarus in John 11 has been very precious to me lately. I love The Message version of verses 24-26. They say..."Martha replied, 'I know that he will be raised up in the resurrection at the end of time. Jesus says...'You don't have to wait for the End. I AM, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in me does not ultimately die at all..." The Great I AM...what more could we need? I recently heard this one "theory" or truth or whatever...the pastor said that we as believers die at the cross with Christ and simply pass into our real home later on. Sounds good based on the previous verses. I also love this passage in John because Jesus is obviously God and knows he will and can raise Lazarus from the dead, but he is still moved with compassion and weeps.

Entry #6
Writing this post and publishing it will probably push Kiley's pics and post onto another page and I can hardly bear it. Why can't she just be on the front page all the time????

Entry #7
I have struggled with whether or not to post this...I don't want to hurt my parents anymore. But, I feel that they would want me to "speak the truth in love." I receive a bimonthly publication "dedicated to the advancement of the gospel of Jesus Christ in America..." It is a ministry that most people haven't heard of, so I won't even bother posting who they are. I think they have some good tips on parenting, etc. Anyway, last week I received the latest newsletter/booklet. I was thumbing through it and the title of a letter seeking advice caught my eye. The woman was struggling with things and her question was, "Do you believe there is home in heaven for people who commit suicide?" My mouth gaped open as I read the response: "The answer is that if you kill yourself you will go to hell and suffer the fires of eternal damnation forever and forever, but not because you commit murder, for you are not and never have been a born again believer. You are only religious. That is why you have fallen for the devil's lies." (OK--I am getting angry all over again as I type this in.) Is this person saying that all born again believers are incapable of listening or falling for the devil's lies? What about instances of lust, coveting, gossip, judgmental hearts, not understanding your worth in Christ, not being submissive........these are all falling for the devil's lies....is he saying that anyone who basically sins even once will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven?? (But for the grace of God and His redemptive blood, I know this would be true.) (At this point, I am shoveling handfuls of (salty) popcorn into mouth I am so mad.) What irritates me is that this ministry labels themselves as a group who wants to spread the advancement of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Last I checked the gospel was Grace and Grace is a person: Jesus. He came and fulfilled the law because He knew we would never be able to...we simply can't meet God's Holy standard unless someone Holy meets it for us. The best thing about Jesus is that he knows individual's hearts. He knows who is redeemed, and yet who struggles. The battlefield of every believer is his mind. Satan knows this and he longs to kill, steal, and destroy in any and every way he can. When Christ forgave us of our sins, he forgave them all. All. One of my favorite stories in the Bible right now is the story of the Prodigal son. The father does not reprimand his son or tell him, "see, I told you so." He simply runs out to greet him and dress him in the finest clothes. The young man is his son and that is simply enough. Kiley is God's daughter and that is simply enough. She wasn't faking, nor did she have a religious air about her. She was salt, light, and good fruit. Anyone who automatically labels suicide victims in such a way doesn't know the heart of the Father. In my anger, I am trying to not be judgmental. I have thought about writing in a response to the publication, but I will need to let my emotions settle down a bit first.

Entry #8
I dug out some home videos the other night when Eric was gone. Eli, Sam, and I sat for about 2 hours watching some stuff. I am really not a good one to catch a lot on video...one tape covered Sam's birth to the present day (2 1/2 years!) There wasn't a ton of Kiley on these...mostly Christmas get togethers. But, oh how precious those moments were when her bright face would pop up on the screen. Something about hearing a person's voice does a world better than just seeing a snapshot. Tip #2: Video those you love and video often.