Somewhere along the way, resentment and anger set in. I have not wanted this, but it has snuck in and the stronghold has been giving me a death grip. I remember saying to the Lord...sometime last year, that if He stripped everything from me the same way he did to Job, then I would still love Him. After losing just one precious thing, I realize how arrogant a statement this was. It is only by His grace that we can love Him at all. Give me a clean heart, O God. It is only You that can give me the desire for a pure heart. A desire to look at You and not my circumstances. A desire to trust when my faith has been tested. A desire to pray when it doesn't seem like it matters. A desire to believe when everything shouts otherwise. Give me desire and help these dry bones live. You promise that the pure in heart will see You...make me pure for I long to see Your face.
I have demanded demonstrations from the Lord..."Prove you love me!" The result of my testing God has been a lack of peace. In Exodus, when the Israelites demanded water, they were given water, but they were denied entering the Promised Land. They "never entered the rest of God." (Psalm 95) Forgive me for shouting "Is the Lord among us, or not??" (Exodus 17)
Bring about your promise to me, Father: "The silver is mine and the gold is mine, declares the Lord Almighty. The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house, says the Lord Almighty. And in this place I will grant peace, declares the Lord Almighty." Haggai 2:8-9
To be absolved of anger and to be filled with rest. To have hope return so that my trust is no longer tainted. I praise you that you are still at work in my "temple."
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4 comments:
hey girl! throwing a comment your way on a serious one! i like the serious ones because they are real. like butter becke. not a margarine post. a butter post. thank you for the butter post.
Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Very beautifully written. I pray you are having a peace-filled day.
Thanks for being honest and spilling your guts...cause I thought I was the only one struggling with those same feelings. I guess this grief thing does come one new step at a time. How soon til we are through with the process? I love you, Mom
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