Language of my Soul

I have felt very double minded lately. One moment, I am praising God and thanking Jesus for His sacrifice and the next moment, I am stumbling around in a wash of depression--wondering why I am on earth and questioning God's love and goodness towards me. James 1:5-8 describe me perfectly:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Unstable would be a perfect word to describe me these past almost two months. A wave, tossed by the wind is exactly how I have felt. Country music is safer than Christian because those lyrics cut too deep. The Word is difficult to venture into because it doesn't feel safe. It hasn't been just the loss of Kiley, but also begging God to move in so many areas where he seems to be so silent. I intercede, feeling like that is one of my callings, and nothing seems to happen. Why does He seem so unresponsive...these things I pray for should be things that bring Him glory. Last fall I really started praying that I would know God deeper and deeper. I prayed, "Lord, let me know you as much as possible this side of Heaven." I had started praying over my children that they would know Him and love Him with all of their hearts. I didn't realize until just the other day that the road marked with suffering is the road he often wants us on in order to know him more fully; in order for Him and Him alone to become our sole desire. I finally came to the humble willingness to say that I have been disappointed with God. He could do things differently, you know? I have no doubt in my faith that Jesus is Sovereign and that He rules over everything. My problem has been with my hope and how to go on when he seems so disappointing and quiet.

I decided to confess my double-mindedness and get on with living the narrow path. It is hard to be a schizophrenic, you know? As soon as I was done repenting, I picked up a book entitled, "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. The first 5 pages described my heart. God wants to bless us, our deepest pleasure is going to be a direct encounter with God, and the Holy Spirit uses shattered dreams in order to awaken our desires for God. The book seeks to answer the question, "What does it mean to hope in God as we continue to live in a world where good dreams shatter and God seems to do nothing about it?" The book is amazing and says that if you "want to know God, welcome shattered dreams. Nothing reveals our desire for Him so effectively." Now, I have to wonder if last fall I started praying the right prayer. I mean, "happy, American" Christians just don't welcome adversity, warfare, and sorrow into their lives. My desire for Christ and Him alone outweighs the adversities of this life, though. I think that is where God wants us. Christ has given us the power to remain faithful to Him and represent Him well no matter what happens in our lives. That is our hope!

I strongly recommend this book to anyone who has suffered loss or had their most precious dreams stripped away. The more and more my soul dances on this journey, the more I become confident of one thing: God wants us to desire Him above all else and He is JEALOUS about our devotion. (Yes, Oprah, our God IS a jealous God but probably not in the sense that you are thinking....he is jealous over his children.)