Kiley died four months ago today. I have thought about her so much in the past few days. I think making my Dad's father's day card really triggered it, knowing how hard it would be for him this year. I got creative and cut out tiny pictures to make a collage card. I had fun pics of Kirby's graduation and other events, but no Kiley. I thought I was through with the card, but it seemed to be missing something. I found a tiny pic of Kiley from way back and attached it to the word "family" on the front...kind of sideways so it would stand apart from the rest. That is like her, to stand out! And voila, the collage was complete. It "felt" complete. I guess that card reflects what grief is like. You go on the best you can...after 4 months you can at least breathe again. You take fun pictures of things like graduations and birthdays. But, still, something is incomplete. There is still a gaping hole in your heart. And you know it will always be there. God gives the grace to keep living and moving and breathing. But, the agony of "missing" will always be a part of you. If I didn't have the hope of knowing I will see her again, I would have lost it a long time ago.
I had to forgive my sister, you know. A couple of months afterwards (I think...it is really all a blur) God showed me that I was mad at her for her choice. I didn't really blame HER...when she was at her lowest, it wasn't really like her at all...but still, I had to forgive her for the torment she has put us through. (Or, really that Satan has put us through.)
Mom, Amelia, and I are contemplating going on a trip together again this year. Last year, we all (including Kiley) piled into the Murano and headed to the Gulf. What a blast and memory we will keep forever. She was our navigator and life of the party. What would a trip without her look like? Are we brave enough to go to the same place? Is that a therapeutic idea or completely insane one? What will August 19 (her birthday) be like this year? What about Thanksgiving when we always always take our big family picture? What about Christmas? I can't worry about these things...but they will be reflections of hearts with holes in them.
I have decided that the most glorious thing in Heaven (apart from being face to face with Jesus) will be being reunited with our family and friends. We weren't ever supposed to be apart! The curse and death brought this about...it certainly wasn't in God's perfect original setup.
Four months into this thing called grief, I still miss my KiKi. I beg God to let me dream of her, so that I can see her face. I have only dreamed of her once...that I recall...she had come back from Heaven to tell us all about it. She was full of maturity, grace, and peace. She was beautiful, as always.
Kiley was an organ donor. Someone has her gorgeous green hazel eyes. I hope the organ donor sees Jesus the way she did. He is the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE.
Now, I must pull myself back together and run Eli to the Doctor. Bladder infection? That is something else about grief...it doesn't stop when life MUST go on.
I had to forgive my sister, you know. A couple of months afterwards (I think...it is really all a blur) God showed me that I was mad at her for her choice. I didn't really blame HER...when she was at her lowest, it wasn't really like her at all...but still, I had to forgive her for the torment she has put us through. (Or, really that Satan has put us through.)
Mom, Amelia, and I are contemplating going on a trip together again this year. Last year, we all (including Kiley) piled into the Murano and headed to the Gulf. What a blast and memory we will keep forever. She was our navigator and life of the party. What would a trip without her look like? Are we brave enough to go to the same place? Is that a therapeutic idea or completely insane one? What will August 19 (her birthday) be like this year? What about Thanksgiving when we always always take our big family picture? What about Christmas? I can't worry about these things...but they will be reflections of hearts with holes in them.
I have decided that the most glorious thing in Heaven (apart from being face to face with Jesus) will be being reunited with our family and friends. We weren't ever supposed to be apart! The curse and death brought this about...it certainly wasn't in God's perfect original setup.
Four months into this thing called grief, I still miss my KiKi. I beg God to let me dream of her, so that I can see her face. I have only dreamed of her once...that I recall...she had come back from Heaven to tell us all about it. She was full of maturity, grace, and peace. She was beautiful, as always.
Kiley was an organ donor. Someone has her gorgeous green hazel eyes. I hope the organ donor sees Jesus the way she did. He is the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE.
Now, I must pull myself back together and run Eli to the Doctor. Bladder infection? That is something else about grief...it doesn't stop when life MUST go on.
4 comments:
Very sweet. Thanks for sharing.
It seems to me that grief is something that has two sides. The one that crushes us and then the one that forces us up and makes us continue on with life. How can one single thing be so life altering? How can we be expected to understand these things that we must face in this life? I have felt grief followed quickly by anger. It was a wonderful friend that pointed out that anger is not what I should be feeling towards God. She was not anrgy and I wondered what right could I have to feel that way if she did not? Grief is a two edged sword that comes and cuts us so deeply and then expects us to get up and act unharmed. I do not pretend to understand the ways of the world. I do find peace in your faith and it helps me to find peace in mine. You are such an inspiration to me. I wanted to say thank you for sharing so honestly the things that most of us feel but can not muster up the courage to say. I see that you are much like your mother. Thank you for helping me to find my faith again. You are a blessing in my life.
I think we are not the only ones grieving.....still. Kiley's poor little dog, Bruiser seems so sad. And he was always so happy and bubbly. If he cannot be sitting right beside me or Jerry, he goes off into Kiley's room alone and lays in her doorway with just his head into the hall, or hides under her bed....waiting. When he hears the garage door go up he jumps up and stands at attention not moving, his tail trying to wag ever so slightly, as if maybe, just maybe. Then when the door opens he bounds down and runs toward who I think he is hoping is his beloved "Mama". Then he sees who it is and is happy to see them, but still gets this sad look in his eyes...disappoitment again.
He won't sleep with Amelia and Kiwi on the bed, he hides in her closet. Often he wakes Amelia up with this mournful crying. She does not know if he is dreaming or just crying. She tries to comfort him with her words, but he remains hidden and alone in the closet.
Living with him breaks my heart alot. She loved him so, and always ask that we take care of her baby when she was away. We are trying, but he misses his true love.
Can God give grace and peace to a poor lonely little puppy? He needs healing from his grief too.
Time, I just keep telling myself that surely time will help. Four months just hasnt been enough yet tho, the hurt is still as deep.
Mom
Becke, it seems God always gives you (and your commenting friends) the words I need to hear. I have dealt with death of family and friends so much this year(6), I am overwhelmed. Thank you for sharing your hearts so that I may be encouraged. Missy your comment has been a blessing to me and another grieving sister, thank you all. Love Betty
Post a Comment